Hercule Poirot and 99 others like this
by Fairy Quinn
Summary: What if Poirot and all his friends were on Facebook?


Random Things

_A/N: I thought it'd be fun to write a Facebook story with Poirot and (almost?) all his friends, so here it is! I really liked to write this and I'm writing a second chapter with some new characters. (No OCs, I promise! Well, you will see!) Thanks to Jack-OfAllTrades, my beta reader, who did a really great job! :) _

_By the way, I _do_ know that some characters are a bit OOC. Especially Japp. But who has never been different on the Internet, eh? x)_

_Everything belongs to Agatha Christie. Enjoy and leave a review, you'd be nice! :D_

**Hercule Poirot**: Case solved… once again! Merci à mes petites cellules grises. :)

_Hercule Poirot, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon and 76 others like this. _

**Arthur Hastings**: Well done, old chap! :)

**James Japp**: Stop boasting!

**Felicity Lemon**: Inspector! -' Monsieur Poirot deserves it.

**James Japp**: He deserves what? To boast? XD

**Arthur Hastings**: And he helped you a lot to solve the case.

**James Japp**: …Can't I joke with you?

**Hercule Poirot**: Allons, mes amis… Cessez vos enfantillages, oui ?

**James Japp**: Google Translate isn't working; can somebody tell me what he just said, please?

**Felicity Lemon**: …

**Arthur Hastings**: Never mind, Inspector.

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: Oh, I hate this Finnish detective!

**Hercule Poirot**: Do you need help, Madame?

**Ariadne Oliver**: Of course, but I doubt you can help me, Poirot.

**Hercule Poirot**: What's the matter?

**Ariadne Oliver**: My editor wants me to write a novel featuring Sven but I have no inspiration!

**Hercule Poirot**: I am sure you will find something, chère amie!

**Ariadne Oliver**: I better find some soon, then!

**Hercule Poirot**: :)

* * *

_Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings' wall._

**Hercule Poirot**: Ah, mon ami, how are you doing?

**Arthur Hastings**: Pretty good, Poirot, and you?

**Hercule Poirot**: I'm fine. Mais I am bored. Terribly bored.

**Arthur Hastings**: What can I do to help? :(

**Hercule Poirot**: Come back to England! :D

**Arthur Hastings**: Are you serious?

**Hercule Poirot**: Of course I am. Hercule Poirot never jokes.

**Arthur Hastings**: Poirot, you do know I just returned to Argentina today, don't you? I can't leave!

**Hercule Poirot**: Dommage, mon ami…

**Arthur Hastings**: Indeed, old man. I'm sorry.

**Hercule Poirot**: I miss you.

**Arthur Hastings**: Er, me too…

**Dulcie Duveen**: Poor Monsieur Poirot…You can visit us if you want :)

**Arthur Hastings**: I say, what a nice idea!

**Hercule Poirot**: Pah, Poirot prefers to stay in London.

**Dulcie Duveen**: Too bad!

* * *

_James Japp and Harold Spence joined the group "Scotland Yard's detectives are not as stupid as they seem to be in crime fictions". _

_Arthur Hastings joined the group "I may write crime stories inspired by true cases but that does not mean I am John Watson". _

_Hercule Poirot joined the group "Belgian refugees are the best!". _

* * *

**Hercule Poirot**: Je m'ennuie de mon bon ami Hastings.

**Arthur Hastings**: Oh, Poirot… You still miss me?

**Hercule Poirot**: You did understand what I said, Hastings? You improved your French, yes? Or perhaps you used the bad Google Translate?

**Arthur Hastings**: Well, no, I have a good teacher :)

**Hercule Poirot**: A teacher, Hastings?

**Arthur Hastings**: Yes.

**Hercule Poirot**: Who is he?

**Arthur Hastings**: Use your little grey cells! ;)

**Hercule Poirot**: …Very well, Hastings.

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: Phew, I've finally written the first chapter! :D

_Hercule Poirot and 144 others like this._

* * *

**James Japp**: Been to the trial today. John K. Mitchell will be hung tomorrow morning.

_James Japp, Hercule Poirot, Harold Spence and 11 others like this._

**Hercule Poirot**: Excellent, mon ami!

**James Japp**: Thank you, Poirot!

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: God, apple overdose! Must think about eating something else while I'm writing…

_159 people like this._

* * *

_Arthur Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall._

**Arthur Hastings**: Did you find out who my French teacher is? :)

**Hercule Poirot**: Not yet, I'm afraid. I've been busy with a case this week.

**Arthur Hastings**: Oh, let me guess…John K. Mitchell's case, is it not? Everybody's been talking about it and I think I saw your name somewhere…

**Hercule Poirot**: Yes, Mitchell's case. I'm very tired tonight, Hastings.

**Arthur Hastings**: Are you all right?

**Hercule Poirot**: Yes, do not worry.

**Arthur Hastings**: Then go to sleep old chap!

**Hercule Poirot**: I will, mon cher ;)

**James Japp**: Why are you mothering him, Captain Hastings? ;)

**Arthur Hastings**: Nonsense!

**James Japp**: Er, what's the matter with the French teacher? :O

**Hercule Poirot**: Bonne nuit, Inspector! -' Bonne nuit, Hastings!

**Arthur Hastings**: Good night, Poirot :)

* * *

_Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings' wall._

**Hercule Poirot**: Tell me the truth. Who your French teacher is, Hastings?

**Arthur Hastings**: You haven't guessed it yet? I can't believe it!

**Hercule Poirot**: Thank you for putting your trust in Poirot, mon ami.

**Arthur Hastings**: Well, my French teacher is only you, Poirot. (:

**Hercule Poirot**: Me?

**Arthur Hastings**: Mais oui, you always speak a mix of French and English and I couldn't help but learn! :D

**Hercule Poirot**: Oh mon Dieu! You must certainly think I'm a fool for not understand. that earlier, don't you, mon ami?

**Arthur Hastings**: You're anything but a fool, don't worry.

**Hercule Poirot**: Oh, you're too kind!

**Arthur Hastings**: It's because I like you (:

**Hercule Poirot**: But I like you too, my friend! (:

* * *

**Arthur Hastings**: Next month, I'm going home!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Hercule Poirot**: You mean you will come to England, mon ami?

**Arthur Hastings**: Yes!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Hercule Poirot**: For how long?

**Arthur Hastings**: Well, probably one month or two…

**Hercule Poirot**: Magnifique, mon am!

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

**Arthur Hastings**: Indeed! :P

* * *

_Arthur Hastings is now in a relationship with Hercule Poirot. _

**James Japp**: Hello, queers!

_James Japp likes this. _

**Dulcie Duveen**: …Arthur? O_O

**Arthur Hastings**: Oh, hell! -' It's not what I wanted to do, sorry Poirot!

**Dulcie Duveen**: Why aren't you apologizing to me?

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp**: Hahahahahahaha!

_James Japp likes this._

**Arthur Hastings**: Ah, er, sorry Cinders! D:

**Hercule Poirot**: Now, if you don't mind, Hastings, I'll change my relationship status…

_Arthur Hastings and Dulcie Duveen like this._

* * *

_Hercule Poirot went from being "in a relationship" to "single"._

_Arthur Hastings went from being "in a relationship" to "single"._

_Arthur Hastings is married to Dulcie Duveen._

_Arthur Hastings, Dulcie Duveen, Hercule Poirot, Felicity Lemon and 25 others like this. _

**Hercule Poirot**: Toutes mes félicitations! :)

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

**James Japp**: Much better!

* * *

_Dulcie Duveen has changed her name to Cinderella._

* * *

_Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Arthur Hastings._

**Hercule Poirot**: My friend, can you explain to me why you said we were in a relationship?

**Arthur Hastings**: I'm sorry, Poirot! Like I said, I didn't intend to say that we…er…

**Hercule Poirot**: Stop being a coward, Hastings, and do not fear to say the words!

* * *

**Arthur Hastings**: Once again, I'm so sorry, so sorry.

**Cinderella**: Of what?

**Hercule Poirot**: You and your silly games…

**Arthur Hastings**: I'm not playing any game, Poirot!

**Hercule Poirot**: Then, don't apologize over and over again. And you know what I mean.

**Cinderella**: o_O

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: Ugh, I want to kill Sven Hjerson! Who's with me?

**Felicity Lemon**: I've never read your novels, but I'm sure you can finish the one you're writing!

_Ariadne Oliver likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: Oh, you're so nice, dear… Aren't you the secretary of Monsieur Poirot?

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Felicity Lemon**: Yes. :)

**Ariadne Oliver**: I'll add you as a friend, then! :)

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Felicity Lemon**: Sure!

* * *

_Ariadne Oliver and Felicity Lemon are now friends._

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

* * *

_Vera Rossakoff and Hercule Poirot are now friends._

_Vera Rossakoff posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall._

**Vera Rossakoff**: Hello Hercule! :D

**Hercule Poiroff**: Countess!

**Vera Rossakoff**: How are you doing? It's been a while!

**Hercule Poirot**: Hm, not very well, I'm afraid. And yes, it has.

**Vera Rossakoff**: Aw, what happened? :(

**Hercule Poirot**: I'll explain everything to you in private. Thank you for caring.

* * *

**Arthur Hastings**: Sometimes I seriously wish I were clever.

_Hercule Poirot, James Japp and 5 others like this._

**James Japp**: XD

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

* * *

_Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Vera Rossakov._

**Hercule Poirot**: My friend Hastings said we were in a relationship, but we weren't. The problem is he refuses to tell me why he did such a thing. It upsets me.

**Vera Rossakoff**: Oh, I see. Perhaps it was just a mistake so he didn't intend anything.

**Hercule Poirot**: No, I feel there is something wrong with him…

**Vera Rossakoff**: Did you talk to him since that?

**Hercule Poirot**: No. He just apologized, but that's not what I want to hear.

**Vera Rossakoff**: I'm sorry, I really am.

**Hercule Poirot**: Thank you. I hope everything will be fine.

* * *

_Private messages between Arthur Hastings and Hercule Poirot._

**Arthur Hastings**: Fine. I did NOT intend to say that I loved you in that way. It was a mistake. A stupid mistake. Now, would you please stop to be upset with me? It's seriously become childish!

**Hercule Poirot**: Well, may I remind you it's entirely your fault?

**Arthur Hastings**: I've apologized and now I've just admitted it was a mistake! What more can I say?

**Hercule Poirot**: Sorry, mon ami, mais how could you made such a mistake? There is a huge difference between Cinderella's name and mine!

**Arthur Hastings**: Why is that so important for you, Poirot? Perhaps YOU are in love with ME! And you want me to say I feel the same! But I don't, you stubborn little man!

**Hercule Poirot**: I'm not in love with you, Hastings! You clearly take your dreams for the reality! x_x And don't avoid my question!

**Arthur Hastings**: I don't have to answer your foolish question! Now, I think I'll stay in Argentina and cancel my trip to England.

* * *

**Arthur Hastings**: Argentina would miss me too much so I'm staying here!

_Cinderella likes this._

**Cinderella**: Wouldn't you miss me?

**Arthur Hastings**: Of course I would!

_Cinderella likes this._

* * *

_Hercule Poirot created the group "My best friend is so stupid." _

_Hercule Poirot changed the name of the group into: "My ex-best friend is so stupid."_

_Arthur Hastings joined "My ex-best friend is so stupid."_

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: Oh, dear God. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOO!

_126 people like this._

**Hercule Poirot**: ?

**Ariadne Oliver**: My computer's just frozen and guess what? I've just realized I forgot to save the chapter I was writing!

**Hercule Poirot**: Oh no… :(

**Felicity Lemon**: Poor you! D:

**Ariadne Oliver**: So I definitely lost the chapter I was working so hard on. UGH! I HATE COMPUTERS AND TECHNOLOGY.

_James Japp and 83 others like this._

**Hercule Poirot**: …Miss Lemon? You're on Facebook instead of working? ôô

_Arthur Hastings, James Japp and Vera Rossakov like this._

**Felicity Lemon**: Oops…

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot**: …

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp**: I wouldn't pay her this month if I were you, Poirot! ;)

**Hercule Poirot**: Fortunately, you're not Poirot!

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp**: You're right; fortunately, like you just said!

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot**: Not funny, Japp.

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot**: Would you please stop liking everything? I'm… er, over notified!

_James Japp likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: Don't complain, Poirot! I just lost my file and now I'm receiving one hundred notifications about Felicity Lemon who should be working and two men acting like kids!

_James Japp, Hercule Poirot and 194 others like this._

* * *

_Judith Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall._

**Judith Hastings**: Oncle Hercule! :)

**Hercule Poirot**: Oh, bonjour Judith! :) I didn't know you were on Facebook.

**Judith Hastings**: Well, I am!

**Hercule Poirot**: Good. How are you?

**Judith Hastings**: Fine…but I honestly wonder if everything's okay with my father and you, hm?

**Hercule Poirot**: Why?

**Judith Hastings**: Well, I just checked his wall and you seem upset with him or something? Plus, he decided not to go to England.

**Hercule Poirot: **I'm not upset with your father. ._.

**Judith Hastings**: Really?

**Hercule Poirot**: Yes.

**Judith Hastings**: Really, really? oO

**Hercule Poirot**: Really, really, yes.

**Judith Hastings**: Really, really, really?

**Jack Hastings**: Come on, Jud' -' Please, forgive her, Oncle Hercule, she's so childish. :)

_Jack Hastings likes this._

**Judith Hastings**: Oh, fuck you, Jack!

_Judith Hastings likes this._

**Arthur Hastings**: No swearing, Judith; and Jack, be polite to your sister.

**Judith Hastings**: Ah, hello Dad.

**Hercule Poirot**: Why are you posting on my wall, Hastings?

**Judith Hastings**: I KNEW you were upset with him!

_Judith Hastings, Jack Hastings and Arthur Hastings like this._

**Hercule Poirot**: I'm not; I just asked a question, that's all.

**Arthur Hastings**: Poirot… -'

_Judith Hastings likes this._

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: I just found out that some kids used MY Sven Hjerson for their "fan fictions". O_O *shocked*

**Felicity Lemon**: Fan what?

**Ariadne Oliver**: Fiction! I read one and…it's horrible. *still shocked*

**Felicity Lemon**: Why? Send me the link!

**Ariadne Oliver**: Here it is. [LINK]

**Felicity Lemon**: Your readers find that Sven is compatible with his best friend, that's all. :) What's wrong?

**Ariadne Oliver**: 'What's wrong?' Well, their stories are so vulgar!

**Felicity Lemon**: Of course they are. Young people write them after all…though some grown people also write this kind of story…

**Ariadne Oliver**: You seem to know about it. :)

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Felicity Lemon**: …No comment.

**Ariadne Oliver**: Haha! But hey, I could sue them, couldn't I?

**Hercule Poirot**: Well, I think you could, chère madame, but I am sure your readers only wanted to have fun with their favourite characters. ;)

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: To have fun? What's fun about that? Plus, er, Sven is not homosexual! _

**James Japp**: Well, you never mentioned this fact in your novels, did you?

**Ariadne Oliver**: …Fine. In my future novel, his best friend will try to make love to Sven and the latter will be very disgusted.

_James Japp and 338 others like this._

**Felicity Lemon**: If you do that, I think all your readers will be more inspired to write fan fictions. I mean, impossible romances are always inspiring!

_Felicity Lemon Arthur Hastings and Cinderella like this._

**James Japp**: And so original, hm, hm!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Felicity Lemon**: Whatever, Inspector Japp.

_Arthur Hastings, Cinderella and 29 others like this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: Then, I'll say Sven is homophobe! -'

**Hercule Poirot**: And all your open-minded readers will be disgusted.

_48 people like this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: So is there any solution?

**James Japp**: I fear not. Haha!

_James Japp likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver**: Greaaaaaaaat.

_Hercule Poirot, James Japp, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon, Cinderella and 93 others like this._

* * *

_Ariadne Olived created the group "Fan fictions are absurd and should be removed from the Internet." _

_Ariadne Oliver likes this._

* * *

**Ariadne Oliver**: I went to the Sven Hjerson's fan page and some readers read what I posted earlier and are really sad and disappointed by my reaction. Now, is it normal if I feel I'm a total bitch?

_238 people like this._


End file.
